10 easy steps to getting ill

I am ill.  I can pinpoint several things that have led to me being ill.  If you want to be ill then follow my guidelines.

  1. Don’t eat any fruit for about a week – especially citrus fruits
  2. Don’t take some alcohol type handwash to work – after all there are so many germs you can pick up from door handles on the way back from the toilet.
  3. Consistently work an extra half hour or so more than you are meant to.
  4. Stay up after midnight at a gig in the middle of the work week – this is especially effective if you’re feeling very tired already.
  5. Don’t forgive people – a good dose of bitterness is great for lowering your immune system.
  6. If you’re feeling ill already make sure you go to work and stay there the whole day – that way you have no chance of making it in the following morning.
  7. Drink lots of skanky hot chocolate from a machine and have a red bull every day or two – avoid tap water.
  8. Make sure you haven’t done any exercise for a good month or so.
  9. Proudly pretend you’re Mother Theresa and do everything for everybody ensuring that everybody is pleased with you all the time.
  10. Every night when you get in make sure you get a good two or three hours of TV in – that way you can avoid your mind being stimulated and it leaves little room for peace, solitude, reflection or quality time with those you love.
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