I am ill. I can pinpoint several things that have led to me being ill. If you want to be ill then follow my guidelines.
- Don’t eat any fruit for about a week – especially citrus fruits
- Don’t take some alcohol type handwash to work – after all there are so many germs you can pick up from door handles on the way back from the toilet.
- Consistently work an extra half hour or so more than you are meant to.
- Stay up after midnight at a gig in the middle of the work week – this is especially effective if you’re feeling very tired already.
- Don’t forgive people – a good dose of bitterness is great for lowering your immune system.
- If you’re feeling ill already make sure you go to work and stay there the whole day – that way you have no chance of making it in the following morning.
- Drink lots of skanky hot chocolate from a machine and have a red bull every day or two – avoid tap water.
- Make sure you haven’t done any exercise for a good month or so.
- Proudly pretend you’re Mother Theresa and do everything for everybody ensuring that everybody is pleased with you all the time.
- Every night when you get in make sure you get a good two or three hours of TV in – that way you can avoid your mind being stimulated and it leaves little room for peace, solitude, reflection or quality time with those you love.