I had been going around for days in a murky cloud of self pity, self interest and self gratification. Everything I was doing was just for myself yet it wasn’t working, it wasn’t making me feel any better. I was sorry about that.
If you say “sorry” you won’t change the world. We say to Anya that “sorry” means you won’t do it again but it doesn’t, it just means you wish you hadn’t done something in the first place.
I was reading a book yesterday and it was talking about the word “repentance” and how the original Greek in the Bible literally means a transformation, a change of character, a metamorphis – like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly. And I realised one of life’s truths – we won’t change unless we undergo a metamorphis and the world won’t change until we, as individuals, change. The Kingdom of God begins with inner transformation not with a bunch of people being sorry.
So I realised I needed to do something about it. In Rada’s parent’s house in Montenegro you don’t get any space to yourself so I had to go outside into the freezing weather in order to concentrate on God. So I went for a lovely long walk and was treated to the first snowfall of 2009. And I just chatted to God for ages it was great cus I hadn’t really done that for weeks. I talked about my own condition, my thoughts about Him, my thoughts about others. And I repented. I asked God to help me re-centre my life on him and off of myself.
That was 24 hours ago. I won’t say I have been perfect since but little things have changed and I am happier within myself. Most importantly it sets me up to be able to think of others, and the wider state of the world and how God may be able to use me to bring about His Kingdom.